Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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