he wants to bone in the snuggie
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
