thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
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