Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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