Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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