I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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