Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I intend to get homeless drunk
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
