there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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