there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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