Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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