After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Randomize
