I accidentally had phone sex last night
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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