i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
