My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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