At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
