Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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