the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
