my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
