some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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