No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
