I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Holy shit dude........stairs
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize