Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
