Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
