The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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