new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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