did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
