i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
