the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
