Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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