Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
