i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
