We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
