I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
