Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He? As in you personified your dick?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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