did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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