Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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