If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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