I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
