standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
