I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
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