we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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