If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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