Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
