i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
there is glitter all over my balls
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