y did u give ur computer a hand job?
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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