I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
