I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
