Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
