You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
