you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
