Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
