I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
