if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
don't judge my taste in strippers
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
