There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
