her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
